Oppenent Essentials: Miner Revenge

Each week we’ll go balls deep to find the best dirt on the next opponent of the Houston Cougars. If you have any suggestions e-mail them to us (admin@fourthandfifty.com) and we’ll make sure to include them. Generic shit-talk is completely acceptable if not preferable.

I just realized today was OE day, so excuse my brevity. I have to organize our tailgate for tomorrow. I’m sure the bottom posters can add to the list

Since UTEP spoiled our season last year, we have a little revenge on our minds. Even if Sumlin says he doesn’t think about revenge, the fact is he is 5-0 when losing to a team the season prior. I think Sumlin is just letting UTEP believe that we aren’t going to murder them Rice style.

Anywho, our list begins this year at #11, because last year we gave you the first 10 reasons UTEP sucks.

Opponent Essentials: Texas State

Each week we’ll dig deep to find the best dirt on the next opponent of the Houston Cougars. If you have any suggestions e-mail them to us (admin@fourthandfifty.com) and we’ll make sure to include them. Generic shit-talk is completely acceptable if not preferable.

It really will be like playing a bunch of girls

The Cougars make their glorious return to football on Saturday against the lowly Div 1-AA (because we don’t like the term FCS) Southwest Texas Texas State Bobcats. It should be very one-sided contest since most of the school is still floating river, and generally speaking most people are above shit-talking a team in a lower league, but we aren’t. So here is what you need to know about Texas State.

A Coogfans post Fire Joe Morgan style

Coogfans.... more like Coogfags

Bahbuttons
54 posts this site

Bahbuttons… What a cute name, and you only have 54 posts. What a noob! You are only 4,946 posts away from being taken seriously.

“Let’s try to pack the stands this year.” I think I just lost brain cells reading that. In fact, if I don’t get into medical school this year, I am blaming Coogfans for the countless brain cells I have lost reading statements like that.

“I would love to see a packed house every home game and not just the big ones.” Are you fucking kidding me? You are so fucking novel. Can you take over for Mack Rhoades as athletic director please? I can’t believe no one has ever thought to do that before. What’s the next step after that, “Let’s try to win all of our games this year?”

“We are a nationally ranked team and when we are shown on tv it would awesome for viewers to see and to hear the roar of the crowd backing our Coogs and Keenum’s Heisman run. “ Hey everyone, what if we all got together before the games this year and cooked food and had some beers, wouldn’t that be fun?

“The louder we are the more pumped the players get. “Did you know that it is customary to yell while your team is on defense to try to make the other offense mess up? WE SHOULD TOTALLY DO THAT!

“Let’s really support our Coogs this year and in the future. Bring a friend if you can and fill those stands.” Did you know that if we all brought one new friend to the game our attendance would double? THE MATH IS MIND BLOWING

“See you out there cheering my heart out.
GO COOGS!” My heart might literally stop from cheering too hard. I might die this year from cheering for the Coogs. My little heart is going to be so tired in December from cheering because I bought tickets to all the home games this year. Did you know that you can do that and sit in the same seats for each game?

Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/27/10)

SOTD –  “Homecoming” The Teenagers

Aren't you supposed to schedule a homecoming opponent you can beat?

Well, Rice decided to make UH their homecoming game, isn’t that special. I guess they felt that they needed more motivation to play in the game this year besides the bayou bucket, and their 73-14 embarrassment last year. I mean they put up less effort than Northwestern St. a FCS school. They sure didn’t live up to their slogan “Fight, never die.” Also, Coach David Bailiff probably needed to rethink where he put the phrase “ball security” on their shorts. Fail.

The balls are on the other side Rice

Anyways, there was a lot of rookie drama this past weekend in the NFL. First Dez Bryant refused to carry Roy Williams’ shoulder pads saying “Bitch, I’m here to take your job, you should carry my shit!”* Also, Ravens rookie Sergio “Amazon” Kindle fell down, not 1, but 2 flights of stairs…. That’s pretty impressive. Not many details have been released, but this is what we know about Sergio Kindle

• He was arrested for DUI in college
• He had a second mysterious single car accident where he drove into a wall.
• His dad is named Johnny Walker… Seriously.

Finally, Maurice Clarrett has wised up and, after being released from prison, he found the one place it is acceptable to carry booze around with you at all times (like he did at Bronco’s training camp). COLLEGE! That’s right, he has enrolled in fall classes at Ohio State. Also, in an unrelated story, Ohio State has a new walk-on running back named Claurice Marrett.

Here are your Houston sports updates. Let’s check it out.

Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/26/10)

SOTD – “Doin Time” Sublime

UH pwns Rice!

It’s the doldrums of summer. Luckily this year we had the World Cup for the beginning of the summer. Now it’s all baseball all the time. Even ESPN is bored with baseball and had a front page picture of cycling, or at least that’s what I think it was since I can’t read. However, UH is still pwning Rice even in the offseason, according to the Chron. They’ve mailed in Rice’s homepage so bad that they’ve now started reporting more UH stuff.

However, fear not people, NFL training camps start this week. This means 2 things. 1) We will have something to talk about. 2) We can officially start researching fantasy football draft info. Hell I scheduled finishing my medical school applications around being finished in time to put 100% in to my fantasy football drafts. (That way I didn’t accidently submit a mock draft as an essay explaining what contribution I would make to the field of medicine).

Houston Sports Lebron Smear (7/9/10)

SOTD – “Mr. Pitiful” Matt Costa

Traitor is spelled L-E-B-R-O-N in Cleveland

First of all, out of respect to Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, the rest of this post will be written in comic sans.

“The Decision” has been made, and unfortunately we were all witnesses last night. I have no dog in this fight since my 2 teams (Spurs and Rockets) were unaffected, but as an innocent bystander, I think the big loser is Lebron. I have family in the Miami area, so first I put myself in their shoes, which made me feel excited and kinda dirty, which is oddly appropriate since that is about how you feel any time you are actually in Miami. But, I couldn’t help but sympathize with the Cavs fans, since I was 15 in San Antonio when Tim Duncan was a young free agent. The HEB by my house, which he shopped at, hired a crane for 2 weeks to fly a “Stay Tim Stay” flag. Luckily for us he stayed and we won 3 more championships.

Ugh… that’s enough Comic Sans…. However, as a third party, Lebron’s choice says the following things to me:

 First, he doesn’t have the mental and testicular fortitude to put a team on his back and win a championship like his idle MJ. Before now, a younger superstar might have look to some past their prime veterans for the experience to help them win their first title, but never has a younger superstar had to join his peer or competitor to help. This was ok for the aging trio of Allen, Pierce and KG because their window was closing. If Lebron wants to be known as the best of his era, he needs to have the most titles, and as of right now he will be D-Wade -1. This isn’t something a dominant competitive player would do. MJ and Kobe are too obsessed with proving they are better than EVERYONE including their own teammates, and that’s what makes people respect them even more. Everyone likes someone who has a killer instinct and can SINGLE HANDEDLY crush the competition and rip their heart out. In my opinion, Lebron just made Kobe more likeable (yuck!).

Second, Lebron told the owners that it’s not ok for you to collude behind the players’ backs, but it is ok for the players to collude behind the owners backs.

Lebron is no “hero” for taking less money to play with D-Wade and Bosh. Maybe if he were taking less money to stay with the Cavs so they could pay some better players. Taking less money to play on another team is not something alpha dog players do. It is something other players do to play with the alpha dogs. This basically maginfies the big FUCK YOU he gave to Cleveland, whose main export is depression.

Finally, Lebron James is all that is wrong and evil about professional sports. As I argued earlier, we want to see fearless killers on the field of play in any sport, the hunger to win a title no matter who is on your team and what kind of underdog you are. Lebron just proved he just wants to win without working very hard at it, while being on a team with his friends, in a location where he can party all the time. Wait, all that sounds right up FaF’s alley… WHERE CAN I GET A LEBRON HEAT JERSEY?!

On to your Houston Sports Updates:

ESPN Announces that NBA Announces New Rule Before LeBron Announces Announcing

"I like it in the butthole. Seriously."

Fourth and Fifty has gained information ahead of the announcement of LeBron James’ choice of teams later tonight. Before the hour-long special – the LeBronathon if you will – the NBA and David Stern will reveal some crucial changes to help The King make up his mind. With the signs pointing to LeBron joining the Miami Heat to play along side Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade, Stern wanted to make sure to allow his youngest nova to flourish.

Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/7/10)

SOTD – “Where Are You Going” Dave Matthews Band

We lost the Bosh sweepstakes

Daryl Morey, I owe you a gallon of your favorite ice cream. ESPN is reporting that Chris Bosh will be signing with the Miami Heat. Hmmm…. Guess who predicted that Bosh would pick Miami? All 3 of you who read that post should be in awe of my psychic powers. Everyone else, back away from the ledge, Morey insists he has 5 other contingency plans.

Not to be outdone, Lebron has reserved an hour of air time on ESPN tomorrow to announce his decision on live TV. Apparently Lebron has to make up for not being a major college football recruit. I hope he is sitting at his old high school gym with hats from each of the teams he is considering. Either way, I’m sure he will be very ambiguous for about 80% of the conference to try to build suspense, and then he will choose the Cavs and everyone will be underwhelmed.

Hey Lebron, 9 people other than sports media are going to be watching your cries for attention tomorrow. Just freaking sign a deal and have a normal press conference like everyone else. You aren’t going to win more than 6 titles and become the best ever. Go back to Cleveland, and get to the finals and try not to get demolished like last time.

Also, Delonte West told me to tell you what he did last night.

On to your Houston updates

Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/6/10)

SOTD – “Sippin on Some Syrup” Three Six Mafia

JaMarcus needs to slow his roll

Apparently, JaMarcus Russell needs to slow his roll, because the life of an NFL flame out is too fast. I guess that’s why he was busted for having that sizzurp, or purple drank if you will, this weekend. To be honest, I’m going to give JaMarcus the benefit of the doubt here. I think that this was an honest attempt to change for the better and prove that he belongs in the NFL. My reasoning is that he probably thought that the “sizzurp” slows your “rolls” not roll. So maybe he was just confused and thought he was taking an appetite suppressant.

In other news, Amare Stoudamire signed with the New York Knicks. I guess the Knicks felt empty without paying max money to a roll player at best. Sure, sure, some of you will throw statistics in my face, but let’s face it, when given the chance to sign a veteran free agent that has had injury problems, including microfracture surgery, to a long-term max contract you should do it right? Everyone, wants an aging overpaid injury prone star in 4 years with a few years remaining on their contract, right T-Mac? Let’s not forget that D’Antoni’s exit from Phoenix was directly related to Amare’s unhappiness (which he immediately regretted when playing for Terry Porter). Now, once all the other big free agents sign elsewhere, let’s see which roll player the Knicks decide is worth a max deal. At least they still have first round draft picks…. Wait, I hear Daryl Morey saying “All your base are belong to us.”

On to your Houston updates:

Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/1/10)

SOTD – “Citizens of Tomorrow” Tokyo Police Club

NBA Free agent season started last night at midnight, and Daryl Morey got the first crack at convincing Chris Bosh where to to sign. Daryl’s key tactic was a personalized Chris Bosh iPad. My guess is that it was a regular iPad dressed in a cowboy hat, denim jacket, and leather vest.

Also, Morey, known for being good with numbers, miscalculated Bosh’s location by 1,300 miles when he sent a “caravan of fans” to greet Bosh in Miami. Except the Texas native was in Dallas. I just hope that was a SAM (yeah middle school math jargon!), and not a sign of his real math skills.

I will say that I think it is unlikely that we end up with Chris Bosh, and I will buy Daryl Morey a gallon of his favorite ice cream to eat out of the carton in his pajamas while watching a marathon of netflix movies when the Rockets get rejected for a younger sexier team.

In fact, I would say that the Rockets are the “Cougar” of the teams pursuing Bosh. Not quite the sexiest we have been, our star player is a little older and injury prone, but we have some good assets and we may have a few tricks up our sleeve other younger teams haven’t learned yet.

Unfortunately, we will still probably get left in the cold for a team with a bigger name marquee player, and a city with better night life (not that Houston is bad). I predict Miami, but that probably means it will be Chicago or New York. A twenty something millionaire isn’t convinced by things like “no state income tax” and “lower cost of living.”

For the 3 of you still reading, here’s what else is going on. And by that I mean here’s some filler crap about teams you actually care about.